I hear the same statement repeatedly when I am in a season of fundraising, "I don't know how you do it. I could never raise my own support". While this statement is meant to be encouraging, it often lands in my heart with a thud. It confirms my own suspicions that this process is crazy, unnatural and impossible.
The truth is that I fundraise with a large degree of shame. If I ask a family member to support, do they feel obligated? Do alums feel like I am asking them to pay back a debt they accrued during their student years? What if they had poor experiences? If I ask for increases, am I ungrateful?
Worst of all, I am currently raising money for a raise.
Do I think I deserve more? Should ministry be a work of poverty? Why should Donan and I own a home?
Shame, shame, shame. This process stirs up shame like nothing else. It is not unlike evangelism. In evangelism many wonder what they really have to offer. Why would someone want to follow Jesus when I'm so screwed up?
Why does God call us to do things that reveal and stir up shame? Because He doesn't want us to be ashamed.
In normal life, my shame masquerades as humility. I can walk around pretending that my feelings on inadequacy and anxiousness are fruits of a heart that knows that it need Jesus. FD asks me to, instead, tell people that my ministry is worth their investment. I have to say that what I do is important to God and should be important to them.
Over and over again, day by day, I ask the same question:
"Would you enjoy partnering with me in reaching college students for Jesus?"
Some say "yes". Some say "no". While those responses are important (and keep the lights on), what is really important is that I ask. Everyday.
In doing so I ask myself everyday, "is this really important?". And everyday I have to say "yes". Everyday I have to call my job important to God. I have to call myself important to God.
I have lived with shame for far too long. I have tried to domesticate it. Train it. I have tried to teach shame to motivate me. I have tried to teach shame to make me more consistent in prayer, fasting, working out, sharing my faith, meeting with students, etc.
The problem with shame though, is that is cannot be domesticated. It domesticates me. It makes me careful. Nuanced. Manipulative. Desperate. A false martyr.
It never brings life. It cannot do what only God's grace and love does.
So today, I am going to send emails and pick up the phone. I am going participate in the prescription that God has given me for shame healing. Maybe I'll raise some money. Maybe I won't.
What I will do though, is I will affirm the value that God has placed on the inland northwest, on college students, on my family and on me.
amen.
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