Mystery and disappointment

I’ve been feeling disappointed in ministry.  Disappointment is a heavy thing to carry.  It doesn't leave space for anything new.

I've been struggling with God to understand why the Greek plant at WSU didn't take hold.  For three years, I moved ahead in hope seeing the ways that God was working in individual students lives.  Yet, we never moved from individual students to group cohesion.  I finally had to concede that this plant wasn't growing.  I needed to move on.  As of January 2013 I left the dream of a Greek InterVarsity chapter at WSU started as the team leader for the multi-ethnic undergraduate chapter. 

How do you grieve over a dream?  Logic seems to say that loss of something that never existed isn't really loss at all.  Yet, it feels so very real.  Had I misheard the call?  Did I miss a sign?  Where was God in the midst of this?

InterVarsity is looking to plant more chapters. My head knows this is good because of the hundreds of thousands of college students in our region who don't know how close God is to them.  Yet my heart felt scared.  How could I hope again for something new?  How could I encourage others to dream for something that only brought me disappointment?  

All these emotions swirled in my heart as I came into our annual staff regional meeting.  My head agreed but my heart was ambivalent.  During a time of communal prayer with worship and interactive stations, my eye caught this quote:

I held my heart back from positively accepting anything since I was afraid of another fall and in this condition of suspense I was being all the more killed.

- St. Augustine

And God said to me, "Do you believe in mystery?"

Mystery?  Of course.  Like imagination and wonder, mystery brings color to the world.  There is so much more than what I can see and understand.  I like it this way.  Could planting be mysterious?  Could mystery and disappointment intertwine?

When ministry is your job, it's tempting to rely on strategies and hard work to show the goodness of God.  Yet, God doesn't work within our systems and strategies.  He is mysterious.  And, He is good.

God's invitation to me seems to be:

Those who sow with tears

    will reap with songs of joy. 
Those who go out weeping,
    carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
    carrying sheaves with them. (Psalm 126:5-6)